Dysfunctional Families

During my own reflections of late I have been considering what represents normal in family life. Despite how common divorce is, being the only divorcee in a family with 6 married siblings still leaves a residual of guilt. I'm not regreting the divorce but, but, but...

What is left of my little family, that started out so promisingly 22 years ago is now only 75% of what we thought it might be or even should be, over the many years ahead. Our 3/4 feels a little battered and bruised and a little lopsided, even now. Sometimes we fight, or slam doors or just leave each other alone for days at a time to brood alone and it is not how I would like it to be. But I know this is real life.

We are different people that live in close proximity and while we get along for most of the time, we have our moments. And that gives me Mommy guilt, even though I know it shouldn't.

And why is this guilt so deeply rooted? Well this is my theory. Being at least a little dysfunctional is normal, but that is the opposite of what we have been told our whole lives.

From the first flickering images from early 1950's TV, we were presented with endless permutations of Disney-type confections that insisted on a happy ending. I am, of course blaming Disney as the archetypycal representative of these productions, but everyone was doing it and guess what? Everyone was buying it!

No matter what form the family took in these things, Fred McMurray never got cross raising his three boys, Lucy and Desi, Ralph and Alice, Fred and Wilma, Wally and Beaver, The Partridge Family, The Brady Bunch, Andy and Opie, you get the gist,they muddled through to a rose tinted happy ending.

Our parents bought it. We bought it and our kids have bought it. Meantime we were back in suburbia trying to make sense of why our lives didn't look like that.

While we were enjoying all this stuff in the movie theatres and our living rooms what was really going on in the 'burbs? Well, not that so much. Behind closed doors there are so many stories of infidelity, money problems, workaholics, alcoholics, drug addictions, liars, broken hearts, desperation, disappointment, unemployment, abuse and meaness, that they have become cliche. And then there are the random tragedies that just blow you apart.

So while we have gotten better at divorce, does that mean we were getting worse at marriage? I don't think so. I think we just found a way to do something about walking away from all that stuff that goes on behind those doors.

There are at least 3 generations carrying around this notion that PERFECT HAPPY ENDINGS are normal and families that breakdown, argue, gather again, poke fun, talk about each other, maybe have occasional sharp words, live apart but visit irregularly is unusual. Three generations of guilt thinking we were wrong or different from everyone else behind their doors.

I have reviewed every relationships I can think of, family, friends, work colleagues and haven't found a single one that meets the ideal. Calling all of them dysfunctional might be a little strong, but PERFECT doesn't exist. Not with people. Why? Because we're PEOPLE!

I thought back to when I was a kid. Rose tinted? Not much. Things were pretty good for most of it, but there were sprinklings of tragedy and family rifts and dark secrets. When I think about the families of the people I grew up with, there were issues with all of them.

Jump back another generation. When my parents were growing up, they were living through the great depression, World War 2 and all the deprivation and separation those times invoked. It would have been impossible to feel secure in such an uncertain world. Children were often unhappy accidents. Many would fall ill and die. When circumstances demanded, they would be sent off to relatives or orphanages until such time as the parents could manage again. Sometimes, that time never came.

The point, dear reader, is that at no time in recent history has the rose tinted version of family life been true for the majority. It is what we wish but life is too messy to grant it. In the end it works out. We work hard to make it work. That is the basis of family and our understanding of it. We are meant to love and understand and support each other because these are the people we know best and who know us.

It can take time for everyone in the family to arrive at that conclusion. So love them for who they are. Don't try to change them and stop feeling guilty for NOT having the DISNEY family. No one does. Dysfunctional is utterly normal.

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