Relationship Advice for New Partners

When you are in a new relationship, especially one expected to become a long term one, it's essential not to lose your friendship networks.

It is so common for women to give up their social networks in the excitement of a new relationship. The longer it goes on, the more dependant you become emotionally on being with just the one person. We do it voluntarily. We do it knowingly. We do it at our peril.

So time for some relationship advice.

Everybody needs a range of people they spend time with. Friends, family and intimates. These are the relationships that add texture and depth to our lives and our experiences. They give us a range of perspectives on issues that trouble us and they provide variety to our entertainments.

Your partner does not need to hang out with your friends or even to get along with them. But he needs to recognise that you want to. It's just as important for your partner to continue to maintain his friendships outside of the relationship. It's healthy.

If you don't maintain your range of friends outside of the relationship, your interaction with others will shrink until it becomes just you and him against the world. You might think that level of interdependance is desirable, but it isn't.

Many people end up staying in unsatisfying relationships because they are too frightened to face the yawning gap that their social circle has become. The devil you know is better than the loneliness you can't bear?

If you have maintained your network of friends, well done and more power to you. You have all the ingredients of a well textured range of emotional experiences for the rest of your life.

If you haven't, start now. Make plans with a work colleague. Have coffee with a neighbour. Use the internet to find old friends. You must take some ME time if you are going to remain happy in your WE time.

Four ways to maintain ME when part of WE:

1) If you want some ME time, speak up. Set a date, give him plenty of warning and don't back down. This shouldn't bother your partner at all.

2) If you've made plans with friends and he rings to make plans for the same time, do not cancel your existing plans. All of your relationships are important and he needs to know that your friends are high on the list too. It's about respect.

3) Give him some space too. He mightn't even know that he's missing watching the game or playing poker with his friends, but given the opportunity he'll enjoy it.

4) Talk to him about it. You both need some ME time. Discuss what each of you might like to do in that time and try to co-ordinate your diaries so no one feels left out.

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